she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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