mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
