I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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