im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
