I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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