9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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