I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
