Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
