Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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