dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
