What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did i just pee glitter
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
