I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
