Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize