If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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