I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
