Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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