It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
