I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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