Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
