yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
