Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
