I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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