Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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