somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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