Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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