Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
