mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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