and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
