i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
