I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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