I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
