Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
