Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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