Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
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