shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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