Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You made out with two different species that night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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