The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize