The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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