I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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