he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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