my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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