The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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