Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The power of my boobs compel you
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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