im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
