I met the friendliest cop last night
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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