OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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