Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
