R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
