Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
