her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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