If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
