This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
