Got a toothbrush?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
