i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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