the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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