Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
