I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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